Even though this steaming pile of crap will make a mint....

With a 20% enjoyment rating on rottentomatoes.com, I thought I'd share some of the amusing reviews Transformers 2 has garnered so far:

Fan Reviews:

Bad storytelling is bad storytelling, no matter how many explosions, robots and hot chicks you have on screen.

One fan compared it to one of the all-time bombs, the George Lucas-produced "Howard the Duck." Another fan called it "the worst movie I've ever seen." Another praised Bay "for his excessive use of the 360 spinning crane cam" and the frequent slow motion shots of Megan Fox fleeing with jiggling boobs.

Revenge of the Fallen almost feels like it's signaling an end-game for blockbuster movies: all sensation, no content, catastrophic expense.

If you ever wondered what a movie would look like geared toward the underdeveloped brain of a gestating zygote...then Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the insipid illustration you've been waiting for.

Bay seems to think that just showing us a bunch of brightly clashing metallic limbs (accompanied by lots of noise) is enough to make us faint in our seats with excitement.

This re-run of the previous thrills and spills displays a disappointing lack of ambition.


Critics:
Eric Childress, eFilmCritic.com: "The single worst film to be released thus far in the summer of 2009."

Peter Bradshaw, The (UK) Guardian: "Like watching paint dry while getting hit over the head with a frying pan."

Manohla Dargis, The New York Times: "Cretinous."

Steven Whitty, The Newark (New Jersey) Star-Ledger: "Can you thwart a migraine for two-and-a-half hours?"

Washington Post: What's wrong here is that there's so much swirling, relentless action, indistinct robot characterizations and over-caffeinated techies loose on the special-effects machines that the movie, in mere seconds, achieves incoherence.

Village Voice: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a bewildering, noisy, sloppy, cynical piece of work, a movie that sneers at the audience for 147 minutes and expects us to lap it up as entertainment -- and be grateful.

Journal & Courier: The movie is formulaic and routine, which suits (Michael) Bay's directorial style. Creativity is anathema to this by-the-numbers cinematic traffic cop.

The origin of the man-sized woman

I once met David Carradine. After nearly fainting from the smell of vodka on his breath at 10:30am, I posed with him for a commemorative photo. As my husband snapped a couple of pics, Mr. Carradine turns to me and, eyeing me like a hungry wolf looks at a steak, says to my husband, "You got yourself a man-sized woman. I always wanted me one of them."

I then ran away.

Today's Twitter contest: #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

CONFESSIONS OF A PIT BOSS: OIL CHANGE SECRETS #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

Extreme push made her impossible drive, she was so loose. #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

Severe push turned the steering shaft to rubber, and then snapped it clean off. #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

Older Rear Mounts: Facing Front #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

He oversteered her into the wall. Gripping his shifter, he covered the pavement with burnt rubber. #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

Aero push reduced the thrust of his aerodynamic downforce. #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

"Really tight" means "Try something; you can't make it worse." #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

The higher the speed, the more critical it is to have some push. #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels


"Her undercarriage was so loose I could barely stay mounted." #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

Autotronic Chassisphyxiation #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

#fakenascarharlequinromancenovels PIT ROW PASSION

#fakenascarharlequinromancenovels RENDEZVOUS IN THE WINNERS CIRCLE

#fakenascarharlequinromancenovels Something just bounced off my undercarriage

THAT'S NOT MILK! #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels -possibly too subtle...

PIRATE DRIVER, VIRGIN CHASSIS #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

FORBIDDEN PIT STOP #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

IT CONSTANTLY CURVES TO THE LEFT #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

A LESSON IN WEIGHT JACKING #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

POLE POSITION PASSION #fakenascarharlequinromancenovels

Who knows what is good and what is bad?

When an old farmer’s stallion wins a prize at a country show, his neighbor calls round to congratulate him, but the old farmer says, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” The next day some thieves come and steal his valuable animal. His neighbor comes to commiserate with him, but the old man replies, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” A few days later the spirited stallion escapes from the thieves and joins a herd of wild mares, leading them back to the farm. The neighbor calls to share the farmer’s joy, but the farmer says, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” The following day, while trying to break in one of the wild mares, the farmer’s son is thrown and fractures his leg. The neighbor calls to share the farmer’s sorrow, but the old man’s attitude remains the same as before. The following week the army passes by, forcibly conscripting soldiers for a war, but they do not take the farmer’s son because he cannot walk. The neighbor thinks to himself, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” and realizes that the old farmer must be a Taoist sage.

For example, a good friend of mine's husband lost his job because of a lying nutjob woman. She claimed sexual harassment because he rejected her advances. Long story short, the company fired him, even though he had witnesses to what really happened. He got hired on for more money at a better company, and the company he got fired from last year just went under last week. He'd have been out of a job with no prospects.

It was hard to understand why something so bad could have happened to him, but now, all I can say is, "God works in mysterious ways." Ways that we often can't understand without time and perspective.